The birthdays I have had here in Japan were for the most part…forgettable. To be fair, it can’t be helped since I chose to live and work far away from my family and friends. There was always a birthday party for me at work of course, but I can’t seem to remember what had happened though I do remember that feeling of “Oh, I’m still here” and more importantly, “Why?”. Holidays, days off, vacation time. I was always doing something but I always felt lonely which I guess made me ask those questions.
But, I had always been aloof. I have always done things on my own. My mother moved to the U.S. when I was in junior high. My dad came home late everyday and eventually moved to a different city to work. My siblings and I were used to being by ourselves. I moved to the city to attend university and from then on, I had always lived by myself. So, I guess I do tend to push people away. Maybe, this loneliness I had was self-inflicted.
Maybe. But I couldn’t find anyone that I really connected with. It was so tiring to be with people. I felt exhausted pretending to be interested in people at work. Acting all happy and perky when I feel like shit. The conversations in classes– they’re so utterly dull. Even when I try to introduce interesting topics, the answers were just regurgitated opinions of each another. Very few went against the grain. Not that being against the grain is a good thing. I don’t know. I just wasn’t terribly interested.
Small talk, office politics, and gossip at work made my head hurt.
I guess I’m just tired of talking. In the first place, I didn’t like to talk to people. Chatting or texting, fine. But actually talking? It was difficult for me. So it’s crazy to think that I went into this type of job that is obviously not a good fit for me. But, I was good at it. I guess I can “pretend” to talk very well.
I recently read Strange Weather in Tokyo by Hiromi Kawakami.
“I had been alone. I rode the bus alone, I walked around the city alone, I did my shopping alone, and I drank alone. And even when I was with Sensei now, I didn’t feel any different from when I did these things on my own. It seemed, then, that it didn’t really matter whether or not I was with Sensei, but the truth was, doing these things with him made me feel proper. ”
Strange Weather in Tokyo by Hiromi Kawakami
The heroine and I were not completely the same but at the same time we were. I felt almost embarrassed reading the book because it was like reading about myself and my flawed character.
When I met my husband, I felt a connection with him. He was so easy to talk to and our conversation flowed without me getting tired. We don’t agree on everything but it didn’t matter.
I didn’t really think much of it though. If he hadn’t asked to see me again, I don’t think I would have done anything. I probably would have forgotten about him soon after and continued on as usual.
But, he is bold and persistent. He became a constant thing in my life, whether I wanted him to be or not. It just became natural that he was there.
“Proper” is perhaps a strange way to put it. It was more like the way I felt about leaving on the obi, the extra band that sometimes came with a dust jacket, after I had bought a book, rather than throwing it away. Sensei would probably be angry if he knew I was comparing him to the band on a dust jacket.
Strange Weather in Tokyo by Hiromi Kawakami
When I saw Sensei at the bar and we pretended not to know each other, it felt as distressing as if the ripped-off band and book were lying strewn about on the ground.”
Instead of making me feel tired, I actually felt comfortable and at ease. Even when I unloaded everything to him and he did the same to me. Now, while we have our fair share of problems, we still feel comfortable with each other to let out everything inside of us and not worry about either of us leaving.
Since then, my birthdays have been memorable. Not because of what we did but the absence of the questions I had earlier. It became “I’m glad I’m still here. I hope to continue like this for as long as possible.”
It is also because of him that I can have the courage now to quit my job (which I did a few weeks before my birthday) and actually do what I want to do. I already have a plan but I’m still working on it. Fingers crossed.
Anyway, for the actual birthday celebration, we spent a great weekend together. We drove to the local rice museum, had a nice lunch and spent the day walking around the town. We ate yakiniku at home.
The next day, after lazing around at home, we went to an island nearby and watched the sunset.
My husband insisted to make a photoshoot out of it. Normally, he isn’t a shutterbug but he was really enthusiastic about it. He even took those “couples-kissing” photos. Obviously I’m not gonna upload those since it’s too embarrassing.
Afterwards, we went to a French restaurant. It was small but very nice. I heard the chef used to work for a European embassy in Japan but I don’t know which one. Everything we ate was delicious.
First course: ハガツオのコンフィ
Striped bonito confit and veggies underneath, I couldn’t catch what the server said when she was explaining it… (T^T) It was surprising how unlike bonito the taste was, I felt that it was more like meat than fish! Very very good though.
Second course: フランス産 フォアグラのポワレ ポルチーニ茸のリゾット
Foie Gras poêlé and Porcini mushroom risotto OMG SO DELICIOUS
Third course: オマール海老と帆立貝とラタトゥイユのキャベツ包み ブイヤベースソース
Lobster, scallops, and ratatouille wrapped in cabbage in a bouillabaisse sauce
Main course: 宮崎産和牛モモ肉 (トモサンカク) のロースト ポムアンナ
Roasted Miyazaki Wagyu Tri-tip with Pommes Anna, mushrooms and unknown greens lol SOOO GOOD.
Dessert course: ガトーショコラロワイヤル ピスタチオのアイスクリーム
Gateau chocolat royal and pistachio ice cream
マンゴーとココナツのシャーベット (Not in picture)
Mango and coconut sherbet
Haha. I guess this ended up being a food blog halfway through.
sakura shades 